LATE NIGHTS WITH GOD

 

It's almost midnight.

The house is still, but my mind isn't.

God, I don't know where to start.

Do you ever get tired of listening to the same fears?

Do you get tired of hearing me ask the same questions?

And just how many answers have you given me that got lost in the mail,

because I never waited for them?

I say I want to carry Your name,

but some days I'm unwilling to bear the weight of it.

How am I supposed to let go,

when it feels like losing?

Today, I silently judged a friend for gossiping,

all the while listening to it,

because it felt good to know.

I laughed at a punchline,

before thinking of the heart it bruised.

When I could've shown love,

I chose silence, afraid of the cost of standing out.

And my words, God

I used them like weapons,

I could see the bruises forming,

but I kept swinging.

Do You see how easily I slip?

How quickly I chose habit over righteousness.

I'm afraid, that I might never truly be who You made me to be.

That there are parts of me You might not love,

that I'd never be able to let go of those parts.

I should be leading and setting a good example,

but what if I trip over the bar you've called me to set?

Today felt like a thousand tiny moments,

where I chose myself instead of You.

I cannot re-live this day,

but I want to be better tomorrow.

So here I am, kneeling in my imperfection.

Not asking You to erase my mistakes,

but to teach me to learn from them.

I'm greeted by silence once again,

but I know that You hear me.

Because even in this nothingness,

somehow I feel a little lighter.

Like naming the chaos in my mind has taken away some of its power.

I still have so many questions,

and not enough answers.

But my heartbeat feels steadier.

In this moment, I remember what it feels like to breathe,

and for tonight, that will do.

                                              -L.M ROSE